Sunday, August 7, 2011

Man Smells

    I'm not sure what it is, but there always seems to be an odd smell that perpetually radiates from a man. The smell typically disappears after they clean up, but before they do, it can feel similar to snuggling up to a dead carcas. Women appear to take on whatever smell they put on themselves with lotions, body washes, perfumes, and deodorants. Yet men just have this odor that can be described as nothing other than Man Smell. It's a bit like a wet dog that was eating sauerkraut and then sprayed by a skunk. This aroma seems to intensify when a man is in an enclosed area (such as a car, bathroom (good God, the bathroom!), cubicle, etc.) or when the man is sleeping (I will never understand why a man's bedroom smells like death in the morning, requiring at least 2-3 hours of airing out time, even in the dead of winter).
    To expound on this point, my husband slept with me in my air-conditioned abode last night. It was perfectly understandable, considering the heat of the other rooms.... however, I woke up multiple times in the night and felt a wall of stench hit me directly in the face. It had nothing to do with gas (although that's a whole other problem) but everything to do with Man Smell. It was like a proverbial dutch oven that I couldn't escape. I commented on this "fragrance" when he awoke, but he couldn't smell a thing. Maybe it's like when babies have a dirty diaper and everyone in the room is grimacing while the baby giggles and plays with his toes, happy as a clam.
    My husband (perhaps trying to make up to me for stinking up my room) offered to run out to the store and purchase us some breakfast this morning. So he took my car and, roughly an hour after he returned, I got into the same vehicle to go to church. When I opened the door and got in, I realized that Man Smell had continued (nay, intensified!) from the previous night. I immediately called him on the phone and asked him exactly how many times he had passed gas during his breakfast run... he responded by laughing and saying that he hadn't. That's insane! How can men smell so rank for absolutely no reason? And it's not just my husband either (I can recall many a mornings waking my brother up for school and nearly gagging upon entering his bedroom). But women have to put up with an awful lot from these cavemen we share our homes with, walking around the house each day looking for something the cat dragged in, only to find their husband, brother, father, or son just sitting there, stinking up the joint. Tonight I'm choosing to go to bed prepared. I have a fresh canister of Vix vapor rub to smear under my nose to ward off those unpleasant Man Smells that are sure to wrinkle the sheets.


  1. This is so true and funny too!

  2. This is absurd. I smell like rainbows and cupcakes at all times. My wife is just overly flatulent and blames me rather than her precious dog.