"PS I Luv U"

   I'm leaving to go out of town for the weekend and all I've heard from my husband for the last two weeks is a countdown for when I'm leaving. T minus 5 days, T minus 4 days, etc. etc. etc. He says he has big plans to have a blowout party with all of our imaginary friends (his dad and brother) in order to celebrate his masculinity for 2 days. (Frankly, I have a feeling he's gonna be lost without me, calling every few hours (aka meal times) to ask what temperature to set the oven to and how to know when the fish looks "done".)
    So today I had an all-day training, followed by dinner with my work partner, yoga, and tanning, pushing my arrival home back to 9pm. My hubby, who has been anxiously counting down my departure, found himself getting panicky that he wasn't going to get to "spend any time with me" (his words) before I leave. I secretly think he misses me already, but he hasn't been able to find the words to tell me that he has no idea how to survive while I'm away. Afterall, who is going to do the dishes if I'm not here? And as much as the man complains that I talk too much, he's going to literally lose his mind when someone's not there to prattle on and on for that half hour every night.... and I even think, although he would never admit this, that he is going to miss my nagging. Our daily banter is routine, and the boy can't live without things staying the same. Therefore, I've decided to program into my phone text messages that will go off on the hour. These messages will read something like this:  "Put the bread back, it's not on ur diet", "Get those socks off the table", U BETTER sweep that mud up u just tracked in", and "Did u wipe the dogs off the RIGHT way?" But I'll save one for the last day too: "PS I luv u". (Feel free to "awww".)

Meatloaf... Not The Band

   The other day I had the inkling to make a meatloaf. Why, I have no idea, because meatloaf is one of my LEAST favorite foods. There's something about meat that comes in loaf form that turns my stomach. So when my husband asked me to make a meatloaf the same day, I knew that it was my destiny (I'm pretty sure that is the saddest sentence ever blogged). I had never made this meal, so I called my mother-in-law to get her recipe. I followed the instructions to the letter.... but my meat turned out greenish and looser than his mother's (sounds vaguely like a description I gave to my doctor the other day....). Naturally, my whiney husband began to object, criticizing the fact that his loaf doesn't look exactly like a picture out of the Betty Crocker cookbook. I told him where he could shove the meatloaf, if he so desired, but he chose to grudgingly taste it.
    Lo and behold, the man loved it. What I mean by "loved it" is that he ravenously ate all but one slice of the loaf in 3 days. He talked about the meal to his entire family, swallowing a big piece of humble pie for dessert. Then tonight, he asked me to make another loaf so he could have it throughout the week. I agreed, but decided to make a few changes in order to add some visual appeal. It was the same basic ingredients, just altered slightly. When I told him that I think I may have improved the recipe, his face crumbled and he proceded to tell me that if it wasn't as good as the last loaf, he was going to kill me. Well that's gratitude for ya! What's a woman got to do to get a little thanks? My guy is so particular about NEVER trying new things that he is willing to threaten death if his meatloaf is subpar? I'm tempted to let the dogs lick all over the meat before I serve it to him tonight. So the jury is out..... Will he like the new recipe or will I apparently be tossed into the creek? Only time will tell.....

I Love You.... But Go Away

    As a newlywed, people are constantly making comments about how great that first year is... wanting to be with one another every second of every day... missing each other when you're apart.... blech. Honestly, I don't know how normal newlyweds do it! I was lucky to fall in love with someone that requires alone time just as much as I do. But here lies the dilemma. With his work schedule, he gets free time in the house to do whatever he wants on a regular basis, whereas I struggle to have time to do the things that us girls like to do when we're all alone... things that boys would find silly and hold over our heads forever and ever (face masks, foot soaks, eating completely random junk food, naked dancing... the usual).
    Therefore, I don't consider it being mean to tell him to get out. Afterall, it's my house too.... I should be able to do what I need to do without him sneaking up the stairs to catch me being girly, or without him calling to ask me to come help him with something. The problems is, my husband ENJOYS annoying me. It's some sort of twisted pleasure that he receives when he sees my face turning red and my mouth start to open to hurl an insult at him. So this weekend I laid down the law. I said, "Honey, I love you.... but go away." No one else has to understand, no one else has to agree. You can feel sorry for my man all you want. But if you tell me I'm being unreasonable to kick him out for a few hours, I will simply tell you that "I love you.... but go away."

Groceries

    I'm a fat kid, so I understand the excitement of grocery day better than most. There's the thrill of making my list, finding items on sale, sniffing fresh produce.... even better yet is getting all that delicious food home and organizing it into straight lines in the pantry (labels facing out) and sectioning off different types of food in the refridgerator (this IS my fun). But best of all is seeing all that food, organized perfectly, and then choosing what my next meal will be (now that there's more than condiments and crackers to choose from).
    However, my husband doesn't seem to understand my process. As I try to put things away, he's taking things out again (throwing my OCD out of wack in all sorts of ways!). Before I've even had the chance to unload all the bags, he's digging through them, getting in the way, and standing in front of wherever I need to be at that moment. And the worst part is that he even steals my favorite meal-planning time by opening up a bunch of new foods and diving in to eat....despite the fact that I'll be making dinner within the hour! It's like buying a new pair of shoes- beautiful, shiny, never been worn.... and then having a roommate with smelly feet wear them before you've even had the chance to give them a test run. I feel cheated. My relationship with the newly-purchased items was so short lived. Had I known it wasn't going to last, I would've lingered a little bit longer at the store- just a fat kid and her food.

Steel-Toed Uterus

    Milk jug. Empty cereal box. Glasses case and contact solution. Dirty towel. Water bottle. Coffee mug. No, this is not a psychological word association activity....but these various household items do have something in common. They are the things that my husband religiously leaves out instead of putting away. (I'm not saying that there aren't 20-30 other things constantly out of place due to his willy-nilly ways, but these are the ones that I have learned I can rely on daily, as constant as a sunrise and his morning grunts.) I've started wondering if he intentionally empties milk down the drain so that he can leave the jug next to the sink instead of in the recycling bag... 3 feet away. What baffles me more is when the man eats the rest of the cereal and then leaves the empty, uncrushed box DIRECTLY NEXT TO THE GARBAGE! He actually had to walk the box TO the garbage but couldn't be bothered to lift the lid? I mean, what's next, pooping NEXT to the toilet? Sleeping NEXT to the bed?
    So this morning, when I decide to mention this absurd pattern he has developed, the man had the nerve (THE NERVE!) to look at me and say, "I think you're gonna start your period soon."
    If my uterus had even just one leg with a steel-toed boot on it, it would've jumped out of me to kick him square in the groin. Because OBVIOUSLY only an emotional, bleeding woman would want her husband to throw trash INTO the trash can. There could be no other explaination! So from now on, I will make sure that I VERY clearly preface each request with, "Even though I'm NOT on my period, could you find it in your heart, dear, to put your dirty mug in the sink?".... and then I'm gonna slap a feminine pad onto the back of his shirt and wish him a good day.

Just To Say Hi

    It's the little things that my husband does that make me smile on the inside. I was having another long day at work and my cell phone rang. I saw that it was my guy, but I couldn't pick up because I was on a work call in the office. A few hours later when I had a free second to call him back, he said he was just calling. Just to say "hi". Ah, that's the stuff that melts the heart on a day when you need it. (Nevermind that 3 minutes later, he informed me that he was bored talking to me and that he was going to hang up.... but it didn't matter. I had already gotten my smile in so he was free to go and make his jokes.) I think it's just nice to know that someone thought about me through the day and cared enough to make me smile (through the kind thought, or through the joking comments... I'll take whatever I can get!).

P.S. Hi.

Boy Interrupted

I'm a new wife. It's been almost 8 months since we've been married, but even though we're relatively new, I know my husband... I know when his "needs" must be addressed. And let's just say that these last few weeks of itchy rashiness and fluish goo have put said needs on the backburner. Especially since I'm still covered in purple marks that are starting to finally crust over (sexy). So today, when my husband offered up a little romance, I knew the man was desperate. However, in the meantime I had received my weekly phone call to do Bible study with a girlfriend from out of state.... my husband did not know this as he came up the stairs very suggestively. I informed him that we would have to post-pone our rendevouz until I was done. What does he do? He pulls the covers back and lays down next to me on the bed... to wait. I don't know how many people have attempted to do Bible study under these circumstances, but it makes things SLIGHTLY AWKWARD! I told him to go away and that I would summon him when I was ready (ha).
   
Fast forward 30 minutes.
   
    Bible study was done, husband was ready, wife was settled.... and then wife's phone rings. It was my work partner. I had to answer due to an earlier crisis with one of my families. My husband yelled a resounding "Nooooo!!!" as the second wave of disappointment came over him. Poor fella...he was so close. My partner was laughing over the phone as I told her that he was just upset because we keep trying to have playtime but it's just not working tonight. At hearing this, my hubby frantically reminds me that I need to expound on what "not working tonight" means (something about male pride....). It would figure that tonight of all nights, our entire area loses our electricity due to the wind storm. No lights. No tv. Dead phone batteries. Candles everywhere.... Boy UNinterrupted.