Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Miss Norm!!

I LOVE holidays! Ask anyone. I'm the biggest fan of holiday food, decorations, festive parties, cheerful songs, etc... but I've decided this year that what I REALLY want the most is normalcy. The last year was packed full of event after event and this upcoming year is going to be equally as full... all I want is for things to be normal, just for a few minutes, so that I can get back to some form of a schedule. My back goes out... can I see my chiropractor this week? No! Why? Because he's gone for the holidays. Can I get my clients information on upcoming programs? No! Because they're all closed until January 3rd. Not to mention the numerous client no-shows for the past month due to them "forgetting" we had an appointment in all of the holiday rush... really, people? Write it down like the rest of the world has to (I even bought them planners... you'd think that would help but it doesn't!). And it only figures that one of the dogs would crap on the rug today while we were gone... heck, the holidays have messed up my "regularity" (pardon the crudeness), so why shouldn't it mess up theirs? New Years, please come quickly... and then go away! (This here ends the rant of the Grinch of New Years Present.)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Who Needs Mistletoe

Nothing says "Happy Holidays!" quite like a spousal argument, silent treatment, and a fist-full of stubborness. Needless to say, our holidays were incredibly happy during our trip back home from Michigan after a meaningless argument over packing the car. Equally as fun was our decision to carry this argument over for another full day ('cause that's obviously both therapeutic and healthy of us.... good thing I'm a therapist and he works in the mental health field and that we're both VERY well-versed in conflict resolution and positive coping skills. If the tax-payers only knew that we refuse to apply these skills to our personal lives....) Anyways, we continued to be nasty before ignoring the conflict for the rest of the day (always the best approach, really). The only problem was that I grew tired of being stubborn and "right" or "justified" today (maybe I'm being a softy, or maybe I'm just getting too old, lacking the amount of stamina needed to keep a good fight going for too long anymore). I didn't WANT to be right if it meant feeling alone in this big house for another night (I'd rather feel like a real couple again... as we walk away to our now full-time separate bedrooms).
I held my ground till I got home from work this evening... I tried to pass him by in the driveway and just go inside until my "rightful" apology came. But I couldn't do it. I needed my welcome-home hug and my comforting evening kiss. So I took it. I didn't need mistletoe, I just needed my husband.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Eve

Well, our Christmas in Michigan has officially begun. We've watched holiday movies, we started (and probably will never complete) a holiday puzzle, and we attended our Christmas Eve party with family. The holiday spirit is in full swing, except for one small oversight on my part. I forgot to get my husband a card to open on Christmas morning with his presents (it's my first year at this, cut me some slack). So Hubby was on his way to run a few errands this morning and asked if I needed anything... I told him that I needed a card for him still and asked if he would wait for me to come with him. He apparently didn't want to wait for an hour until I got cleaned up, so he went without me. He DID, however, return home with a card that he bought FOR HIMSELF that is to be from me. The card's cover has a big teddy bear on it and says "For A Very Special Boy!" It is literally a card for a 6-year-old. So I signed it and put it underneath the tree. He is, afterall, a very special boy.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Log Flippin' Chaos

Tomorrow we leave for Michigan to have Christmas with my family, but we realized that two of our gifts were really just too big to pack into the car (the one for me being so big that it would probably not even fit ON the car... what could it be, what could it be!!!). So we decided to have Christmas with our big gifts tonight. I am now the proud owner of a BEAUTIFUL end-of-the-bed bench that will hold my throw pillows in it's spacious storage area (instead of keeping them on top of the hamper or dog beds), which comes along with two lovely, chocolate-colored wooden breakfast-in-bed trays. I'm super pumped!! (Which is more than I can say for the gift that I bought for my husband... he likes it, but a log flipper for cutting wood seems so far from festive to a girly, inside-girl like myself.)
The story behind the log flipper is this. When I went to the store to purchase his gift (I'm not going to name the store in order to protect those who may work there from the verbal beating that follows), I walked around the building for literally 45 minutes trying to corner someone into helping me. I found a guy wearing a store t-shirt, but he was off-duty. Luckily (or not), he chose to point me to the isle I needed (keep in mind I have a Christmas list with a bunch of gift suggestions on it, none of which I've ever heard of in the first place), only the "tool" sent me to an isle that had NOTHING to do with log flippers or head-lamp-high-lumen-thingies. So I had to wait in line at the register just to have someone paged.... someone that NEVER CAME! So I waited in line AGAIN and had the same idiot paged to the front.... I was beginning to think the entire world of Tractor Supplies was against me (ooops, did I give that away??). Anyway, once the hick version of a boy band member finally did his job, we find out that the specific log flipper that I had on my list was not going to be sold at THAT particular store, but I was more than welcome to try their Ohio branches. Well, that's great news! I could've driven to Ohio and back in the time it took to get that answer! Congratulations, pimple face, for completely taking me out of the Christmas spirit and making me want to steal your family's last bit of Who Hash..... So I bought a different log flipper. It will still flip logs and my man will be none the wiser (until he reads this....).

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I've Eaten My Weight In Cookies

My body is apparently trying to rename Christmas as Bingemas....if I eat just one more Christmas cookie.... (well, I'd like to end that with "i'll barf" or "i'll just die", but in all liklihood, I'll simply enjoy it and keep eating). I spent the weekend making brownies and cookies for holiday parties, and I don't know how it happened, but it was a modern day 7-loaves-2-fishes miracle.... I just kept putting the batter and dough into the oven, and more cookies and brownies just kept forming. Between my miracle mixing bowls and my miracle measuring cups, I'm going to need some miracle pants (preferably ones with an elastic waist) to deal with this miracle gut I've developed.
To prove just how sick I really am, I actually felt ill from the smell of the baked goods and had to retreat to the basement to do laundry until the nausea passed. Any sane person would recognize this as their body's way of saying, "Hey, fatty, enough is enough for today. Pack it up and try again tomorrow." But since I'm NOT sane, my body said "Hey, you're not nauseous anymore! You should celebrate by eating more sweets until that little bit of regurgitation and stomach acid tickles the back of your throat... and even then, just wash it down with some milk until the moment passes and keep on truckin'!" And I was doing so well with the diet too, even on Thanksgiving.... I blame the Schwanns man (everyone needs a scapegoat, right??).

Friday, December 17, 2010

Little Coaster Eaters

As much as I like to blame my husband for things, this one I can't seem to pin on him. One of our little furry munchkins (HIS dog) has been chewing things around the house. Perhaps she's bored, maybe she's jealous, but either way, we know it's her. The other day, I came home to one of our new coasters chewed to shreds and strewn about the house.... naturally, we blamed her (well, I also blamed Pat for leaving the door open to the room where the coasters are currently residing... he took the brow beating rather graciously).
Today, however, I had to suck it up and take responsibility for my own lack of door closing, as well as for my own little furball. As I pulled up to the house, Milo did his usual move and ran to the window to see who had arrived (tail wagging, causing full-body wagging in the window... it's really very cute). Molly joined in, body wagging, thoroughly happy to see me, completely unaware that she has done something wrong.... as I stared at her through the window, my mouth dropped when I noticed that she didn't have a raw hide in her mouth, but one of our coasters with the letter "C" on it... a wedding present.
I tried scolding her through the window, but she just wagged away, so happy I was home. When I got inside, I took the coaster away and scolded her (which I'm pretty sure just confused the crap out of the poor girl; she rolled onto her back very submissively just before kissing/soaking my entire leg). I went to put the chewed coaster with the rest of the pile. But wait.... the rest of the pile was gone. Vanished. Shreds of little coaster parts littered the floor. She ate the entire pile of coasters (at least 8 were in that pile!).... they really do resemble her treats (in her defense) and I couldn't blame my husband (he wasn't even home). I saved the chewed coaster.... it was a wedding gift, afterall.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Jello Leg Syndrome

It turns out that the Rotten Eggs was a precursor to someone getting the flu today. After an upset stomach all morning, my hubby attempted to go to work, only to turn around and come right back home (stopping along the way, trying not to get sick in his truck). So we cancelled our plans for the evening and stayed home, lounging and relaxing until he felt better.
Strangely enough, lounging turned my left leg into jello. Seriously. How did I know that my leg was jello? Well, I started out standing, and I ended up on the ground, that's how I know. It must have been quite the sight. I literally took a step out of bed (and this is where the slippery wood floors and the super soft socks got the better of me) and my knee just stopped being a knee, leaving me to crumble to the ground. I stood back up and locked my knee (which worked wonders) and then I bent it to take a step and down I went. AGAIN! This occurred about 6 or so times. No pain, no problems when the knee was locked, the dumb thing just wouldn't work when it was bent! So I straight-legged it back into bed where my knee began cramping, so I decided to go with it and play lame for another hour and a half. Apparently that was my leg's way of telling me that I needed more television time, because after I watched a few more shows, my knee was ready to join the land of the walking again. And so our house is back to full health once more.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Rotten Eggs

"This must be what they meant when they said 'For better or for worse'", my husband said to me tonight. This was in reference to the foul stench that has been leaking from his behind for the past 24 hours. Now, I'm not one of those prissy girls that thinks farting is "ew, gross"... in fact, I think the act of passing gas is one of nature's greatest stabs at humor. I still giggle if my bum makes the sound of a duck, or if I leave a "silent but deadly" somewhere around the house. But tonight has changed the meaning of bad gas forever. What is currently taking place in my home can only be described as wrong, sinful, and volatile. I'm being assaulted by an invisible force that comes in waves every 10 minutes or so. It's as if my husband ate a dying animal that had ALSO eaten a smaller dying animal... and both of those rotting carcasses are seeping out of him in such a way that it should leave a color or some sort of liquid in it's place. It's so palpable, it's almost chewy. I just threw up a little in my mouth. If I don't live until tomorrow, someone please come look for my body.....

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Stink Bugs

I'd like to know the life expectancy of the Stink Bug. I would also like to know what these things feed on, AND what their purpose on this planet is. It's the middle of December and my house is still littered with the things! I pulled out Christmas boxes today to put gifts in and there's a load of them living in my tissue paper.... if that's not gross, I find them floating in my water cup, in every corner of almost every room, and hopping around the rugs of the house (making a lovely crunching sound when you step on them). I have 3 dogs that adore catching flies but they won't kill a Stink Bug if their lives depended on it. The fact that these bugs are still alive this late in the year is amazing, especially because I have no idea what they're eating in my closet and on my rugs... they better not be laying any Stinky babies, that's all I have to say!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My Man Is Better Than Chocolate

It has to be said that my hubby is wonderful. He's like an ice cream sundae, topped with chocolate sauce and whipped cream.... he's not great for my diet, but he's really sweet and comforting:) For those of you that don't know it, my man is not a holiday fan, nor is he into socializing a whole lot... he IS happy cutting down trees, playing with a chain saw, and getting dirty in the cold. However, he also knows that I AM a very social person that NEEDS to get together with friends, play games, laugh, etc., and that I absolutely adore the holidays. So what does my better-than-chocolate-man do? He offers to go Christmas caroling (PS, he hates singing), see the Nutcracker (twice actually, because he saw it once (and hated it) with a client and then offered to see it again with me because he knows I like it), participate in the Christmas program at church, and decorate the house. Now, it's no matter that we didn't go caroling and we never went to see the Nutcracker.... my man knew it would mean something to me to offer it. And when we don't have friends to socialize with (we ARE in the sticks, afterall), he offers to play games with me or do an activity together. So my husband can fatten my hips any day of the week, because his sweetness is worth it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Day For the Doctors

A word you never like to hear your doctor say is "lumpy". Think about it. Is there ever a context in which "lumpy" can be said in a positive light? "Sir, your cornea looks lumpy" or "Mrs. So-and-So, I'm afraid we've found a lumpy tonsil" or "I can assure you that everyone has a lumpy (insert body part here)".... it's never a good thing to hear. But today, I got told I'm lumpy by a doctor (which REALLY is a boost to the ego, if you can only imagine). This occured AFTER I was attacked by the good lab technicians at the local hospital. I really had high hopes upon entering the registration station... the gal was super friendly, sweet, and overall endearing. She cheerily sent me on my way to the witches that live in the dungeon that is known as "Outpatient Lab" without a warning of what was ahead. Not only are these the most unfriendly women I've ever met, but as I sat there awaiting my bruise, the next two people that signed in at the desk actually cursed while coming to take their seats in the waiting area! (We're talking some VERY rude and unfriendly service when 75-year-old sweeties are swearing at people.)
I'm finally called back into the room and the lady all but rips my sleeve trying to attack my arm with the needle to finish off my allergy testing for food. Not only have I NOT been able to fully straighten my arm for the rest of the day, but I also had the priveledge of experiencing irony on my arm.... yes, I was ALLERGIC to my allergy blood draw (well, to the tape they used to hold my bloody cotton ball to my throbbing arm, anyway). So, overall, I can honestly say that I wish I could've gone to work instead of taking my vacation day to feel like a lumpy, bruise of a human being.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A Romantic Surprise

It was an exhausting day. This may be due to the double dose of benedryll I consumed before bed (to offset the allergic reaction to the sushi restaurant from the night before), or the fact that I drove all day in a snow storm (leaving me tense, especially after I spun out in an intersection), or maybe it's due to the incredibly hard yoga class I had tonight (seriously, we're talking pretzel positions, back bends, and partial hand stands.... I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing!). Nevertheless, when I finally pulled into the driveway, I was cold, wet, and shaky (re: spin out and hand stands).
I walked into the kitchen and find my husband (standing in a long sleeve t-shirt and long johns, which was funny and endearingly cute all at the same time) standing over a beautifully set table (nice napkins and fancy serving dishes included) and homemade sushi rolls, fresh green beans, blackberries, and tea. My heart literally melted (unlike my toes and fingers) as I saw the sweet effort he put in to make my evening lovely:)
To sum up: 1) No allergic reaction so far, and 2) I have the bestest hubby ever!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sushi For Two

I have no idea how it's possible, but my picky eater of a husband loves sushi rolls. He has the pallet of a 6 year old, yet he can ingest raw fish quite happily. On our honeymoon, we participated in a sushi-making class which consisted of more tasting than anything, but we decided it's really quite easy, so we'll make some at home... except we live in the middle of no where and our grocery stores wouldn't DREAM of carrying seaweed paper or sticky rice. So we decided to try a new sushi restaurant tonight to get our raw needs met (get it? raw needs?), each of us ordering a sushi roll, clear soup, and a meal. Toward the end of my meal, I started getting a burning sensation on my toungue, inner lip, and under my nose... it started itching like mad and, as I sat there, scratching my tongue against my upper teeth, I realized that there's a very real possibility that my whole head could swell up at any second. So I was wiping under my nose with ice water and sucking on ice cubes, trying to get this weird sensation to go away as we drove to the nearest grocery store (in search of benedryl? Nope... we found seaweed wraps and sticky rice!). The itching and burning went down in my mouth from about a 9 to a 2, whereas my nose is still at a 4, as are my cheeks and jawline. But I'm just happy that we can try this all again tomorrow in the coziness of our own home.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Fat Cells

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown this weekend. The last few years of steadily gaining pound after pound catches up with me now and again, creating a weepy, snotting mess of a woman. So after this particular breakdown, I tried combating my mood with humor. Perhaps if I poke fun at myself (and my ever-growing fat cells) then maybe I'll accept where I am with my weight instead of feeling terrible about it all.
That's a great idea (some would say).... if my hubby wasn't feeling "intimate" I'd say something like, "it's because I'm fat, right?" (with a giggle). If he said I missed a spot cleaning up the counter, I'd respond with "Obviously my fat is starting to cloud my vision." We have been laughing and having a good time about it, and it's honestly making me feel better about my situation.... thankfully, my man knows better than to join into this game (minus the occasional jelly-belly comment, or pointing out that a bigger belly just means my boobs won't sag so much... which I'm still not sure how to take that one...). He has reminded me that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, and even if there is more of me to go around, he doesn't have to share me with anyone. (Insert "Aww".)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Flood, Quads, and Little Bits of Urine

For those of you that don't know, we live on a river. Now, this river generally flows at a mild to moderate speed and gets so low in the summer that our tubes get stuck on the bottom of the river when we try to float along (maybe this is because we're a bit chubby, but I have a feeling it's the water level...). With the recent rain, our slow-moving, low-level river turned into rapids and floods that overtook our road, making it near impossible to leave our yard. I was able to make it to work by wading through a shallower flooded area and turning up an old dirt, one-car road and taking it up and around the rest of Ellwood City, only to double back to go the other way to work.... unfortunately, by the time the river finished rising (while I was gone) our small escape route flooded over as well.
How did she get home (I can hear all of you wondering with nervous anticipation)?? Luckily, my husband's 4-wheel drive truck was able to make it home earlier that day, but wasn't able to make it back to pick me up at the end of our neighborhood.... so he suggests that we leave my car parked where it was and he would pick me up on the quad and take me home via the train tracks. Let me paint this picture for you a little bit more clearly. I, being a somewhat dim-witted woman at times, decided to sport holey jeans, a t-shirt, and a "sweater jacket" which kept me about as warm as an ice cube all day and did not make a great quad-riding outfit in DECEMBER! On the plus side, I had to pee like a race horse. Oh wait, that's completely NOT a plus side.
My nice man brought me a hooded jacket, scarf, and gloves for the ride home (which felt like a half hour with the wind racing against us, but only lasted about 8 minutes). I was shivering up a storm and couldn't help it when a little bit of my pee happened to sneak out in the cold... twice. That hasn't happened since high school! (I mean, Kindergarten?) All in all, we made it home and the roads were cleared by this evening for my traveling... and my underwear is in great condition, too.